I watched you lift the weights high over your shoulders, arms outstretched as you exhaled sharply. “64,” you breathed in again. “65,” the weights raised above you effortlessly once again, and I found myself staring a little more intensely. The cherry red color your cheeks were gaining, the strain of your muscles with every curl, and how could I forget the sweet sound of your deep breaths?

There are times I can’t get enough of you. Times that the curves of my waist only fit in the grip of your strong hands, there are times your tongue is the only language I speak. But it’s only a matter of time until the feeling of you under m e that I have quite so learned turns into his hand’s holding mine behind my back, a matter of time until I confuse your hot breath on my neck with his and suddenly I’m in the back of his car again, struggling, and struggling, and struggling, until I’m not. And with my will to keep fighting, went the very definition I knew of the word rape, and I was left thinking about the shapes of the clouds again. Big, grey, night sky clouds that we can only see because the lights from all the nearby theme parks don’t leave any room for stars.

The rest of the day is made up of wrong moves. Wrong answers, wrong thoughts, the rest of the day I am a puppet to my own body as my brain struggles to regain control. I know I am with you, but my body seems to think otherwise. Physiological responses to a memory I don’t want and my body can’t seem to forget.

I write you a letter, the only thing I know to do, and I realize that my words are the only thing I have control of. Sometimes. Maybe.

I’m tired of apologizing for my behavior. And I’m tired of not understanding it. And I’m tired of my body reacting to things that my brain doesn’t even remember. I’m tired of apologizing.

I take the rest the day to forgive myself. To make myself lunch, to remind myself that I am worth it.

My grilled cheeses don’t come out golden brown like yours, but today this will have to be okay. Today, this is all that I can give. And this is just going to have to be okay.