A Life Worth Living

Or At Least The Fun Parts

  • What does this have to do with God

    You asked me that when I got released from jail back in March.

    I don’t think I understood, really, what you were asking. I realize now that because there is nothing to you—no God, no belief, no faith—then nothing is all you will ever have. You call it realism.

    For you, this has nothing to do with God.

    But what a beautiful way for me to experience His unending grace and mercy.

    Today I wanted coffee before work. You know sometimes the GPS finds you a coffee shop but it ends up being inside a hospital or a shopping center?

    That happened to me this morning, but it was a church. A new church centered around UCF students, a community I can feel invited to. Even in the midst of losing who I thought was the most important person in the world, I am reminded that I am not losing anything at all. I am gaining what more there is to come. This is between me and my God.

    What a beautiful assurance to know that the One who made the stars and the sun, is also in charge of the plans in my life.

    He has plans to prosper you, too. I hope you follow your heart.

  • Fall in Florida

    🍂🍁

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  • Not My Words

    Poetry used to fall out of me

    A long time I thought it was like a rushing river 

    Or  like falling pedals on a cherry tree 

    Words would spill out and I thought 

    Boy

    Aren’t I good 

    to have the word to say

    What others won’t

    When my life began to reflect my words I realized that the stuff spewing from my mouth wasn’t a lush spring of love and hope but rather a sewage of anger and disappointment

    I stopped writing thinking maybe the power in my words was more than I imagined

    Like I had any control

    Can you imagine being that naive?

    When things continued to fall apart, I ran out of words to give to the pain I was feeling

    And the poetry stopped

    The sewage didn’t pour out of me anymore

    instead

    It built up inside

    But at least I wasn’t a cause for pollution anymore.

    When I looked to scripture I found that the words were already written

    There is

    Quite literally

    Nothing new under the sun

    (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

    There was no new circumstance that could attribute 

    To my hopeless groaning before the Lord (psalms 5-13)

    Nothing that He hasn’t already spoken

    Already promised

    And already finished

    (John 19:30)

    Poetry used to fall out of me like trash filling up your pockets

    Like your car after trips of fast food when you don’t want to throw it out your window, but it isn’t worth stopping by a dump

    “At least I’m not littering”

    Until you look around and recognize the trash you are covered in

    In the beginning was the Word

    And what a gift it is to not feel the pressure of coming up with it myself anymore

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  • Helicopter

    A friend from church approached me

    Told me that watching me grow in my journey with Christ reminded him of the time I mentioned to him I went on a helicopter ride through the Alaskan glaciers

    He told me I got in the helicopter, as scary as it seemed, with Jesus at the wheel

    He told me the church has seen me grow and change and mold

    That it can seem scary, like maybe I should jump out

    But that what God is doing in my heart is apparent to everyone who encounters me

    It was just so strange.

    My pastor shared a political opinion a few weeks ago that I couldn’t help but dislike, leaving a bad taste in my mouth and confused about where my journey is headed.

    I spent the past few weeks fumbling through scripture and podcasts, trying to reaffirm myself that the values and beliefs I hold in my heart are at one with the word of God.

    The protests are necessary, and weaponizing Romans 13 out of context is not going to change that earthly authority is not acting in God’s will. How dare he tell the whole church to bow our heads and obey the same government that crucified Christ? Or at least, that was my takeaway.

    Then I was reminded my journey is with Jesus. Not with my pastor.

    I was reminded that others are watching.

    I couldn’t stop crying when he told me this, it felt like God was beside me the entire time.

    I know that He is, and that He loves me, but every time He shows his glory I am forever in awe at the mysteries he reveals. How did He know I needed to hear this?

    Anyway. No fancy writing, no poetic metaphors. Just in wonder at His love and attention to my life, even though I am someone with so much to say sorry for.

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  • Dreams

    I know how to fly

    In my dreams, of course

    But there’s still a process

    I’ve learned I can fly easily if I just let it happen

    But the second I start thinking too hard if I’m going to fall

    I panic

    I drop

    and I wake up

    But recently, I had another type of dream where coconuts rained from the sky

    I remember I was walking under a hot, blistering sun with a crowd of people and we were so thirsty

    none of them I really recognized, but I could feel that I knew them

    a village of people, it was a lot of us

    And we approached this big, old tree for some shade and at the base there was a woman waiting for us

    She told me to ask for anything

    I said to her I didn’t know what to ask for

    But she insisted, to close my eyes and ask

    Suddenly all these coconuts start raining from the sky

    the sweetest coconuts, water bursting once we cracked them against the tree

    I woke up with the taste still on my tongue.

    There are a lot of things in my life I don’t understand

    And plenty that I wish I could have more control over

    But if I did,

    my water would never be as sweet

    as what He provides for me

    p.s I wonder if God knows he’s my best friend

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  • Leftovers

    We went out to a new spot for breakfast this morning! The shrimp and grits were divine, and though the country bowl was good, it was even better when we mixed them together! (Reminds me of something else good together)

    (You and me)

    Then we ordered table pancakes

    I like crepes over pancakes, but table crepes definitely doesn’t sound as fun or cute as table pancakes

    And good idea, too, because they were more delicious sharing them with you!

    We saw a news article about a box of guinea pigs someone was throwing away. I couldn’t help my tears, and you couldn’t help the warmth in your eyes when you noticed. I love how you love me.

    I told you about my childhood guinea pig, her name my brother and I had come up with, and together we came up with the silliest names until my tears turned to laughter and I found myself again lost in your smile. So lost we walked right out without the leftovers! The only piece of us left behind is our two meals snuggled into one container, and our table pancakes in another.

    And so we had breakfast. No pictures, no snapchats or Instagram stories to commemorate you and me enjoying each other’s company. Not even the leftovers to remind us.

    But we do have: chewy chewy chimichurri chimichanga chicharrón.

  • Home internet

    A man came in to the store last night.

    It was pouring down when he parked his bike out front of the cell phone shop. His eyes were blue and bright, and his hands shook. Perhaps from the cold, maybe something else.

    “I-I came in to pay my-pay my bill,” he stuttered as he walked around the store playing with the different devices on display, “but I-I have to wait to get some money.” The man fidgeted with the phones locked in place, but I noticed his red shirt soaked from the rain.

    “That’s okay, we’ll be here when you’re ready,” I responded as I accompanied him around the store. He noticed the big home internet box in the center of our display and examined it carefully, as if he had put one together in another life.

    “What’s this?” He finally asked.

    “That’s our home internet box,” I smiled.

    “When I get a house imma get me one of these!” he smiled back, almost giddy at the thought.

    I told him I hope he comes to visit the day he does get a home. He smiled and thanked me as we walked together towards the exit, where he carefully mounted his bike again. The rain only knows to water the lilies and to fill the rivers. The rain doesn’t know how to not get homeless people wet.

    I invited him to stay with us until it blew over, but he mentioned he had other errands to run as he clumsily rode away.

    I hope one day he has a dinner party at his home with everyone that he loves. In the meantime, I will pray that he stays dry from the rain.

  • Picking Mangoes

    There has been an ongoing mango feud between my in-laws and their neighbors with the mango tree.

    To set the scene: the tree is on the neighbor’s property, but some of the branches are long enough that they happen to stretch long over the fence that separates the two homes, and this is where the feud begins. When the mangoes fall, the neighbors are right there, hands outstretched, asking for their precious mangoes back. And it’s so silly, the whole thing about the mangoes. Who eats that many mangoes that you can’t let go of just a few?

    So this Summer, we keep our eyes out for the mangoes. I don’t know the inner mechanisms of growing mangoes, so every day since I noticed the first sprout, I would go and check on our mangoes. I did this for about a month. From my room, early in the mornings as the sun shone its first rays, I could see the green mango bunches starting to yellow and ripen. Every morning, I was excited to see how much they had grown! It wasn’t long until they started to fall, and I would be eager to snatch a mango or two, only to find a squirrel or some sort of critter had beaten me to the punch. Seeing the thrown seeds, however, made my heart glow; just thinking about some happy little animals enjoying the sweet fuzz of a mango.

    One particular afternoon I spent skinny dipping in our pool, I noticed a ladder up on the mango tree! To think that I panicked because I was naked would be wise, but it would be wrong. I was worried about them taking my proverbial mangoes. So I made my way out of the water, double checked for anyone watching from the ladder (luckily it was just me), and I proceeded to the mangoes. To my pleasant surprise, there was still plenty of mangoes hanging from their roots, just waiting to be picked. I focused my attention on one ripe yellow mango, the one I sworn I had been watching from my bedroom window.

    I reached and reached, I stood on the stump on the ground beneath me, but it was just a few inches out of reach. So I asked God if he would lower it for me.

    And He did.

    As I picked the fruit, I noticed a bunch behind it in the distance,

    The mango shook the leaves around it as I plucked it from its root, and there it was like a treasure in my hand. Walking back to the pool deck, I start feeling a horrible itching all over my body! Naturally, I jumped back in the water to see all of these ants disperse into the water around me, and there I was in the pool, right back where I started.

    I considered a few things afterwards as I soaked up the sun:

    1. If another person wants to shake ants all over their body for a taste of a mango, let them.
    2. If they want to be greedy with their mangoes, let them.
    3. You ask with love and good intentions, and you will receive. Just be careful what you ask for.
    4. And if you see mangoes growing, it’s probably hot enough to go swimming.

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  • different approach

    I haven’t even thought about this blog in the blur that has been the past 2.5 months. It still was a nice feeling every time I got a notification about someone liking a post from earlier this year, or some new subscriber. And welcome! To a blog about me trying my best, basically.

    After losing aforementioned job, I kind of dove head first into “flight” mentality of applying and accepting whatever jobs came my way for the sake of our bills. And after having such a good job, it was really hard to think that I had to start again from scratch as a hostess somewhere.

    so I gave it some time. Applied at some jobs I thought I would actually enjoy, with decent pay, and even came across some really good opportunities that just…..fell through. Because that’s simply how the cookie crumbles, sometimes. I didn’t want to sit and dwell but finding jobs got harder and dwelling got easier and it almost felt like I was falling back into that place I have been fighting so damn hard to crawl out of.

    Almost.

    but that shitty place is what I have been running from, my entire life, and if there is anything I learned is that you don’t get battles over and over unless there’s a lesson you’re not learning, something going wrong that won’t let you win. Something keeping you down. And the hardest part is looking in the mirror and accepting that as much as you may be part of the problem, you are also part of the solution.

    anyway so I got a couple of different jobs I’m working now, because i have to work somewhere. I have to do something. And the people are nice, the jobs are easy and not far from home. And even though I know it’s temporary, and I know that hard work and God can push me through anything, I also decided to go back to therapy. I want help in ensuring that this time, even though it seems like so many others, I will handle it differently so that my outcome is different too.

    tonight I thank the universe, and God or whatever you believe in, for a second chance to get it right.

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  • I got fired

    from that stupid job I was talking about earlier. With all the ambitions and seeling myself short and trying to dream big. That job.

    you know what’s the worst part?

    I was really, really good at it. I got caught looking at my phone because my wife was dropping me off dinner, and I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been on my phone.

    still a load of horse shit. No warning, no trail of escalation, just termination.

    they’ve caught other people on their phones and let them off with a written warning.

    not me, though.

    I don’t have much to say about the whole ordeal because I know I was really great at what I was doing, and I genuinely enjoyed it. And I know what my real end goal is anyway–my degree, my family, the home we are building– and I’m learning that taking little steps towards progression brings me greater success in the end. Better things are coming. I really have to believe they are.

    and that’s what I have to say about that. Here’s a picture with my name on a plaque showing me as #1 in two different categories the same day they fired me for being on my phone lol.

    lol my silly little head

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