-
Alaska pt. 1
hello world!
once again coming to you from my phone because, duh, I’m not paying to have WiFi on a Carnival cruise ship. Mostly because it isn’t worth the money, and I want to enjoy being disconnected.
anywho, we are only about halfway through vacation! Currently docked in Juneau, Alaska, where this morning we literally took a helicopter ride through the glaciers and then had a guided tour through the snowcapped mountains. Yesterday we went dog sledding???? Life has been a dream these past few days, but more on that later!
because my internet time is so scarce, I want to tell my stories in depth and with time for lots of pictures. We coasted through the Tracy Arms Fjord during our second day of cruising, which is, as per described by the little Details tab on our itinerary, a narrow and deep inlet of sea usually formed by the sinking of a glaciel valley.” Pretty freaking neat, right? We didn’t dock anywhere, but I think I’m more than content floating through sunken glaciel valleys as I dip in the hot tub. My first thoughts were “Wow”. The thoughts that followed were something like “What the hell are we doing?” Because, my God, what the hell are we doing? What are we doing working, doing things other than creating or nurturing or loving? What are we doing exerting our energy being so worried about making others happy, about how we look in pictures or how people perceive us? And not just online. So often people blame social media for our societal downfall but how dense do you have to be to not realize this is a long time coming. Technology should be aiding us in so many ways, but we as humans fuck it up. The glaciel valleys were beautiful. But they were rocky. Rocky rocky rocky, my own cruise ship caused rippled and cracks in the frozen ocean water. Beautiful days, clear nights, and all I saw were birds. And that’s because they can fly away! The others critters hid. I don’t blame them. Sometimes I want to, too.
As I gazed up at the mountains, I felt the earth stare back at me. I felt her whispers in the wind; she showed me what she’s made of. We’re so insignificant. But in the best, most important ways. But not to ourselves, important to earth. To the bigger picture of things.
Growing up in catholic school, it always drove me crazy when the nuns or priests would tell me God was omnipotent. All knowing all seeing all everything. How? What does that mean? No one could give me a straight answer. I’m thankful for the lessons, but i don’t think they knew what it meant either. I called God “the Universe” for a while when I stopped trying to find an answer. I don’t think He minded. That’s important to note.
For once, I am beginning to understand the depth of being everything and nothing. Because in actuality, we don’t know shit. We don’t know anything. Except what we feel, what we surrender ourselves to. What we allow to flow within us, what we allow ourselves to flow with. In knowing nothing, there is such a beautiful simplicity. From complex understanding, peacefulness is born. We have to accept that the mountains and the oceans and the infinite skies are bigger than us. And then, just go with it. Cherish it. Take care of it. It’s ours! Why give it away?
Look at what God made for us.
we’ll be setting sail soon. My woman is napping on my chest as I write and I feel her snores in beat with my heart…how could I think about anything else, except for how to keep this feeling in a jar and carry it in my pocket? Good thing my heart comes everywhere with me.
The next stops are Ketchikan and Victoria! I can’t wait to have more time to share this amazing experience with everyone (or no one! How peaceful to not really care).
au revoir!
-
Washington (Seattle)
by the way, that Inside Passage place was crazy expensive. It was super cool and everything but the drinks were kind of trash (mostly ice or SUPER syrup-y). The waiting place before we entered was way cooler (see collage pics). I stole a menu, though, hehehehe so maybe I’ll show it
-
Washington pt. 3
today and yesterday was spent touring the big Seattle city! My lady’s dad had an extra ticket to see the space needle, so she and I went off to do that and had lunch at the Casco Antiguo and honestly it was super delicious.
but let me talk about this really cool moment that happened:
I’m very scared of heights. For some reason, my phobias have managed to amplify themselves as I have gotten older. Probably because as a kid I would jump and run and climb on anything and not notice how scared I was (until it was time to come down). But I don’t have to do that stuff at 24, so I end up throwing up when I climb too high (figuratively, but it does give me pretty intense panic), which means that the elevator up the space needle and then the revolving glass floor thing was, how do I say, fucking scary. Luckily, weed is legal here so we smoked a joint before going in so I was scared but not in a panic. BUT. They had these like. Steps. You climb on and since the observatory windows kind of lean forward, then you can lean forward and look out and it almost feels like you’re dangling over the city.
I could not do it. I know I looked happy and smiley and excited but I was so scared, I really thought for a couple of seconds I would enter in a panic and make a fool of myself. Smoking really helped (they don’t call it God’s herb for nothing). Instead, my baby said she’d hold my hand while I looked down. I know that sounds so dumb, but just feeling her next to me made me feel so secure and safe. These moments often get overlooked because it’s like, of course, your partner should make you feel safe. But it’s such a different intimacy, almost, like??? Child-like admiration. Very healing, really. And the most amazing part of the whole ordeal was that right after I climbed up, her dad (Diego, my future in law), well he just reached on over and grabbed my hand too. And suddenly I was leaning over Seattle safely in the hands of my family. People who would never let me go, no matter how ridiculous I thought it was. And then, it just wasn’t ridiculous anymore. It was just us high above the ground, laughing and joking and loving.
anyway. That was today. We got ice cream after and walked around the market place until our feet got tired and our bodies got tired and then I got tired so we left.
the cruise starts tomorrow at 10am and we set sail at around 4pm to Alaska. Of COURSE I will have pictures, however I will be mostly out of service so maybe updates will be sparing. But that’s okay. The point of this blog is to show raw, human moments. And you know what? So many of those moments are beautiful and happy and deserve to be enjoyed in all their glory, so that later I can reminisce.
here come some more pictures so buckle up. Au revoir!!
-
Washington (Not Seattle)
*see notes on Washington pt. 1
-
Washington Pt. 2
I figured labeling like this was WAY easier than the whole “Adventure is out there!” thing.
ANYWHO I know I haven’t updated with any fun stories. Honestly, I’m blogging from my phone right now because I can’t figure out the resorts wifi. We’re staying at the WorldMark in downtown Seattle!!! I don’t have too much time for reviews and commentary right now, mostly because I’m having too much fun!!! But I don’t want to forget why I started this to begin with hehe.
I jumped on the hotel bed this morning! I made a hot pocket we got from the Walgreens nearby and last night I accidentally dropped our joint on the awning under us (it wasn’t my idea to smoke out the window, I know how clumsy I can be heh) and no one got mad at me. Mandy’s brother and I each wore one shoe from each other Happy, so we had mismatched shoes but it was super cute. I like that he did that. I mismatch my clothes a lot on purpose because I think it’s cute. I’m glad someone else thought so too Happy!
Happy happy happy happy changes come in so many ways, at so many different times. I am infinitely blessed to be so wide awake!!!
-
Washington Pt. 1
The trees here are really big, and really pretty. I honestly was thinking about how much it reminded me of Twilight, that vampire movie everyone regrets watching. That was my first thought as we got out of our rental car last night. My second thought was ‘Jesus Christ, I can’t wait to get out of these clothes.’ Y’all know how traveling sucks? Okay, well, imagine all the usual annoying parts of traveling and then add period pants. TMI, I know, but it’s all part of the Human Experience. Plus, it’s important information, because on the second flight after our layover I managed to spill hot coffee directly all over my lap. Like, not on the tray, or on the floor, not really even on my seat or my bags. Just my leggings. And the jeans of the lady next to me (who was actually really sweet about it after I kind of sort of let a tear go because I was tired and cranky and wet and HOT and uncomfortable and nothing that day had gone right except I didn’t want to complain because, hello, vacation).
We ended up flying into the Seattle airport at around 8pm, but considering the 3hr time difference, Amanda and I were exhausted. I kept telling her we were going back in time. In a way, we were. I liked watching the sun start to set as we were as we took that second flight out of Denver. And then I liked to watch as we chased it down to the West Coast. Somehow, 2 hours later, the sun was still showing her gold and orange tones. God, I love the sky.
The second day was absolutely amazing, in so many ways. It was heavy and light; it was important and memorable, but beautiful and easy. But here’s the thing. I’m exhausted. These days have been so fun, but then I’m too tired to write to entertain because I just want to watch TV. So, instead, I’m going to make a list of general notes that I will probably use tomorrow to help guide my thoughts and put my stories together, but in the meantime I can leave you with these random gaps in my stories and maybe it can be fun to figure out. Either way, I thought the out-of-context notes were very funny.
P.S Pictures are coming!!! I have so many really great ones, I can’t wait to remember forever these times. Thanks for making it this far with me, by the way!!
day 1
-breakfast (beautiful white leaves tree, feeding squirrels)
-lunch/pie greenwood farm (if you want to have fun just follow us without arguing)
-garden (baby bunny, canada gueese)
-thrift store (jacket)
-deception pass (talk) 2hrs, yoga, accountability, love love love i wont give up neither will you
-love on top the whole ride home
-casino, rewards, $10 food voucher
-dispensary across t he street, hell yeah (salish coast cannabis)
-fatburger dinner, connecting in the corner
-Deception taco bell after 1.5 drive home (i love you)day 2
-breakfast!
-are we doing lunch or dinner?
-picnic point, i heard seals! cool shelter made of sticks. train tracks (phew!), the floor is lava, smoking, charlie the dog!, river into ocean
thrift store vibes?? value village sucked, so we went to get lunch. on our way to get lunch we saw the trunk sale (instead of garages it was people’s cars! everyone was so lovely. pike place puzzle)
-mel’s tea place (rose gold coffee, ham turkey cheddar turnover delicious, busy understaffed, pretty in pink, great atmosphere, someone made eye contact and instead of looking away immediately they smiled at me first, the PNW is weird)
-pretty in pink left us hungry so we went to the FAT PIG BBQ across the street. delicious as fuck to. so glad we did that
-actual thrift store (sophie’s choice)–can you believe we found binoculars???? i got a cool watch too. god i love you. so thankful thankful thankful
-came back to show off the goods! grandma remains bitter. we go to olive garden without her anyway 🙂
-olive garden??? they dropped my food. “911 steak” took it offthe check. our waiter was going to cry. red honda??? thanks olive garden staff sorry big corporations suck 😦 -
Day 5, PRE-TRIP HYPE!
!!!!!! TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW i feel like a little kid i am so excited about this trip!!!
So let’s put the psychoanalytical reflections on pause for a moment because at this time tomorrow I will be on a plane to Seattle with my beautiful woman and her family where we will be joined with more family and friends!!! After 4 days, we set sail on the Carnival Spirit cruiseline through Alaska and there’s like a helicopter ride and a tour through glaciers, a whale watching thing, I don’t know. I’m super excited. Honestly this trip has been planned to a T by Amanda and her dad and I know she’s given me details along the way but this past month has been kind of a blurr so I wasn’t super paying attention and I feel bad asking because it’ll seem like I wasn’t paying attention, oops.
But!!! That just means I get lots of really cool surprises along the way. Thinking about holding her hand as we walk along the cold Seattle piers, looking out at the beautiful Alaskan glaciers with her arms wrapped around my waist, and when we get back we are stopping in Denver for a couple of days too! I can’t wait for all of the amazing food and people and views and I can’t wait to write all about it. I’m not sure all of the times that internet will be available for me, but my laptop is coming with me anyway.
I am so thankful to have this amazing experience come into my life with such an incredible person in my life, too, and I can’t wait to really make the most out of it and just breathe in some new life for a change!!! All of these amazing, beautiful changes in my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity to grow because how awful to be stagnant and not understand why.
Stay tuned!!!! T-minus 9 hours until vacation BEGINS!!
-
Day 4
I watched you lift the weights high over your shoulders, arms outstretched as you exhaled sharply. “64,” you breathed in again. “65,” the weights raised above you effortlessly once again, and I found myself staring a little more intensely. The cherry red color your cheeks were gaining, the strain of your muscles with every curl, and how could I forget the sweet sound of your deep breaths?
There are times I can’t get enough of you. Times that the curves of my waist only fit in the grip of your strong hands, there are times your tongue is the only language I speak. But it’s only a matter of time until the feeling of you under m e that I have quite so learned turns into his hand’s holding mine behind my back, a matter of time until I confuse your hot breath on my neck with his and suddenly I’m in the back of his car again, struggling, and struggling, and struggling, until I’m not. And with my will to keep fighting, went the very definition I knew of the word rape, and I was left thinking about the shapes of the clouds again. Big, grey, night sky clouds that we can only see because the lights from all the nearby theme parks don’t leave any room for stars.
The rest of the day is made up of wrong moves. Wrong answers, wrong thoughts, the rest of the day I am a puppet to my own body as my brain struggles to regain control. I know I am with you, but my body seems to think otherwise. Physiological responses to a memory I don’t want and my body can’t seem to forget.
I write you a letter, the only thing I know to do, and I realize that my words are the only thing I have control of. Sometimes. Maybe.
I’m tired of apologizing for my behavior. And I’m tired of not understanding it. And I’m tired of my body reacting to things that my brain doesn’t even remember. I’m tired of apologizing.
I take the rest the day to forgive myself. To make myself lunch, to remind myself that I am worth it.
My grilled cheeses don’t come out golden brown like yours, but today this will have to be okay. Today, this is all that I can give. And this is just going to have to be okay.
-
Day 2
I swam yesterday.
I tried to front flip into the pool, like when I was a kid, but the ass I have now at 24 made it much harder to complete the entire turn. So I flopped on my back and laughed my way under the water, not thinking about the stinging from the splash. Or about my bruised tailbone from last night’s “yoga” with Mandy (p.s., those mats aren’t that comfortable). I didn’t think about the ways my body wasn’t keeping up with my spirit. It didn’t matter if it hurt. I had no time to think about how much it hurt; between the beams of sun on my wet skin and the sound of her laughter when I shot out of the water with my long black hair covering my face as I pretend chased her around the neighborhood pool, there was no time to feel anything except exactly what I wanted to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That’s the draft I started last night, when I felt like an idiot for not updating to my blog. Even right now, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to sit and write. I don’t want to talk about the shape the clouds too as I thought of Julius. I don’t want to have to explain who Julius is right now.
I guess, that’s the beauty of this whole blog thing. I started this off so I wouldn’t have to worry about what others are saying or thinking about me, so that I could feel free artistically, and right now I am realizing my biggest opposition is myself. Fuck what everyone else thinks.
So, fine. I don’t want to write about my day yesterday. Even if it was good.
Or about the 26hr hour greyhound trips I would take to visit him before he died. Or about the way my mom and I would slow dance in our living room, images of seven year old me laughing as I pretended to be the one to dip her back, or twirl her under my arms.
Once, Mandy said to me “Maybe you’re the only thing that helped her get by”. I remember feeling so angry. Why was that my job? I’m her daughter. I was 6. I was 12, I was 15. I didn’t ask for the responsibility. I’ve never been strong enough.But I don’t want to write about that. Nobody wants to keep hearing the dark parts. Who is nobody?
I don’t want to write about that because yesterday my day was good, it was long and eventful and fun and full of love. And fuck, if I don’t want to write about that either. I don’t want to hear about that. I was there, and it was fine; but to me the day was good not because of everything we did, but because of how many times I felt myself silently drown in memories that can only live in my head and I still managed to smile and laugh and play and breathe. And breathe. And breathe.
A lot of recovery, from whatever you may be recovering from, is made up of flashbacks and smells and feelings you thought had long gone, and recognizing them as parts of a journey to getting better. It’s easy to fall short when the flashbacks become gentle reminders of who you once were, and you find yourself wishing for those moments back.
I don’t want to write about those things because I don’t want to want those moments back. I want to give them a space of their own, but only so I can fill up the rest of me with all the good that is coming.
T-minus 4 more days until Seattle!!
4/23/22 I love my quiet nights with you -
Day 0
Existing is harder on some days more than others. Today starts out like one of those days. But today, it is different. Today, I am different. I have to be.
I start our day off with a fight. Something stupid, no doubt, but try telling me that when I’m being irrational. Okay, so let’s take a break. Never done that before.
The silence from our “break” is disturbed by the furious typing on my keyboard. Then, some crying (of course). More typing. You’re trying to not look at me, and I’m trying to make this normal. For some reason, I think cereal is going to fix the problem. That’s normal, right? The insistent clacking of the keys becomes too much for you, but I don’t notice because I am Not Done crying. Still not thinking. Only feeling. I barely notice when you spend 20 minutes in the kitchen cooking me a grilled cheese. If only I wasn’t so engulfed in my own emotions, maybe I could think about yours. If only I could be the partner you needed.
I call you over and show you the shitshow I’ve vomited and managed to turn into paragraphs, not thinking about how fucking ugly what I am about to show you is. It didn’t matter that it was ugly, it was raw and it was mine. The look on your face as we skim the words together suddenly registers with my brain. Fuck. I still wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking about the grilled cheese, or how long it would take you to read my words. I wasn’t thinking about the smell of burning cheese, I was barely noticing the furrow in your brow.
I gave you the heavy, the hurtful words. Not because you couldn’t handle them, but because I wasn’t thinking about what they would mean to you. Only what they could show me. They showed me hurt, and anger, and sadness. They showed me a medley of torturous suffering, a heart so engrossed in my own pain that I wasn’t even looking for yours. And then, I called it art.
But today, I am different. Today is different. It has to be. Because in the life that I want to be worth living, in that life, art is beautiful. Art is the soft yellow glow of the candles on our coffee table after a long day at Ross. Art is your gentle breath between my lips; Dr. Pepper kisses on a Friday night. In that life–this life, art is a simple vision of you, me, and our 5 pets snuggled closely around a Harry Potter movie.
Maybe some days can start out bad. Maybe some mornings existing can be hard. That’s okay. But today, I chose a different ending. Can’t I choose a different start, too? That’s a blog post for tomorrow.
T-minus 6 days until our vacation starts!!
A Life Worth Living
Or At Least The Fun Parts
A Life Worth Living 