I spend a lot of my time selling myself short of things. Like the older i get, the more my fears get amplified. I remember climbing a tree as a kid, completely forgetting how afraid I am of heights, until I reached the highest point and then panicked when I couldn’t get myself down. Someone always had to help me. Now I get older and I realize how in all my attempts to climb higher, in all my thoughtless plans to jump without figuring out how I was going to fly, there has always been someone there to clean up after me. And as blessed as I have been with these opportunities, I realize there won’t be any way for me to return the favor if I just keep getting myself stuck in trees.

the tree thing is a stupid metaphor. I had my first day at my new, like, big girl office job today and not two hours in I was cracking jokes about “a jobs just a job” and it took me until the end of the shift to realize I’m just constantly settling for “good enough” and then fucking everyone with me when I eventually burn myself out and fall, fall, fall. I don’t even give myself a chance, I don’t even dream far enough for myself to do anything more than scrape by. I’m tired of scraping by. And as thankful I have been for my friends, my safety nets, my leaders and teachers, I am so ready for this next step to be a leader and a teacher. To really put my money where my mouth is, to not only get myself out of the fucking tree but to build wings, to soar, soar, soar. And to bring everyone to the top with me. To bring her with me, my light and my best friend. To share with her in the fruits of our labors, and of our love.

what a strange time in our lives this feels like. What a wonderful opportunity to be the best. What an awful chance at failure.

I choose the former.